Those people I hurt in anger whom I claimed to love -I am not so sure of now. Can it be possible to hurt people you love? I think more so when you love yourself more than you love them. The more you love others than you love yourself -the less inclined you are to hurt them even when they hurt you.
Now I know what previous generations meant when they said things like “…When Bob Hope, and Bing Crosby, and Elvis were still young” -It reminds them of the time when they were still young, full of life, able, filled with dreams of the future -hope for Tomorrow. We associate our timelines in our lives with music and with celebrity -I know I do. To me it now is,, “I remember when Sylvester Stallone was young. When Sean Connery and Roger Moore were still alive… When groups like Duran Duran were still young “. 😪
I remember when my aunt told me not too many years ago, “Rick, do things while you still can, while you’re still young.” 💪
My grandmother used to say, “Rick loves Rick!” I could understand her feeling that way given my outward behavior and attitude.. Looking back however, nothing could be further from the truth. In reality, I hurt myself more than any other person ever did -I hated myself! Most alcoholics addicts do to some degree or another.*
If somebody had done to me would I have done to me, what I had done to my family.. I probably would have killed them. But when it comes to ourselves most of us live with that shame, that anger, that hatred! Someone said a long time ago that “depression is anger turned inwards.” The self is a funny thing. In a roundabout sort of way it’s the same thing for ourselves as it is with others in terms of our attitude towards those we don’t like, those we have lost respect for. But in a different sense it is entirely different -We don’t beat the hell out of ourselves literally the way we would somebody else. But when we see ourselves in others -that’s when the hatred comes out. When we deny our sabotage our plans…. That’s when the shame and unworthiness come out. How do we explain people who are highly successful but loathe themselves deeply? I guess it’s like the white dog black dog in every man; the one you feed that day -WINS! It’s a very interesting thing, the idea that there’s 2 opposing opposing things inside of a man-both of which determine his life, his success, his failures. Whether he chooses to be a janitor or the president of the United States. Whether he chooses a woman that is good to him or a woman who is bad to him. And what about choosing to remain in a relationship that’s no good -there certainly seems to be lots of that going around. The hardest thing in the world for most people is to get to the root of the problem -where the solution also lies. That’s why they never reached the solution. You gotta go through the problem to get to the solution.. Just like you gotta go through a lot of bad people (sometimes); in order to get to the good ones. In the end, success boils down to 2 things:
•How badly do you want it
•How much is it worth to you
You may say, “But they’re the same thing” -“THEY PROBABABLY ARE!”
When I got to the steps and started working them with Granville, I noticed something:
•Unworthiness -So what happens when you follow the suggestions, good thing start happening in your life, and you don’t want them? You don’t feel worthy of them? Unworthiness is a huge factor in many an Alcoholics success in recovery. It’s probably the root of most failings. It’s my personal belief that until we resolve the issues between ourselves, nothing outside of us will be able to take root permanently. Not God, not the promises coming true, not a willingness to follow the suggestions…That’s exactly what I was for many many years-limbo; A living hell sober! Not too many people can make it through this trial.
•So what’s the answer to the riddle: Like Rocky said “It’s not a hard you can hit back it’s how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward.”. Unfortunately for me, and a lot of other people, I did a lot more of one than I did the other -for a very long time. 😕