This evening, I got very upset at Ana. The past day or so I found myself letting some of my feelings for her be conveyed. I even went so far as to text her some of my pain and regret over our break-up. And along with those sentiments, I sent her a song “I’m Sorry” by the late-great John Denver. Well, this morning I got a call from her which started out with “I’m not in a good space -same old stuff…” only a day or two following her trip from San Antone. So she calls me later this evening -unusual at this stage for her to do so. What wasn’t unusual was her picking a fight to either shield herself from feelings for me; attempt to kill or moderate them (women will use various tactics to do so I have observed over the years -keeping their distance…). And sure enough, I didn’t see it coming in time -I fell for it (once again) disguised as one of man’s greatest weaknesses -finances (she started pushing buttons with some money she owed me; started tinkering around with my head “Well, why is it this much… since I already paid…?” Questioning my… so I thought 🤔. I said things I shouldn’t have -again! 🤷‍♂️ Like I said I’m a previous post “For some, relationships are a game -of sorts”. The emotional stressor, vulnerabilities are often too much for them 😔 And at this stage in my life -after numerous failings of this kind, more than anything else I’m the world; this sort of relapse is something I feel I can neither afford (there’s really no one else left to lose, or push away); and she is the last person in the world I want to (push away)! 💔 <-hmm, this icon popped up. Iiiiiiii… right now as I had attempted to go to 😴 found my self once thoroughly disheartened 😔 <- nother icon popped up. Her husband doesn’t appear to be triggered by these things for whatever reason -makes a person wonder about themselves all-the-more 🤔 I don’t know if it’s as simple or accurate or fair to even suggest he is stronger, or I am weaker… maybe she doesn’t even do these things with him (because the feelings aren’t as strong or they are different -I mentioned feelings earlier and how women use different coping skills for moderating and dealing with theirs -alot of women will settle for a relationship with a man who does not bring about the sort of powerful feelings that scare the shit out of). Anyways, I also think about another man in AA who was a real loser out on the street (which I never considered myself) -and how he supposedly NEVER has gotten 😡 (upset at his wife -maybe he doesn’t want to shoot himself in the 🦶 -as I said earlier many people disguise disguise one thing for another… what appears to be respectability, could simply be AA case of self preservation)). Based upon the two men I mention above:

•Could I really be that week? Or;

•Do I lack, or I am limited to my own self-preservation? Or;

•Am I acting in self-preservation?

I find my self at “wits-end”*. Bill W’s old roost 🐓

*Not sure exactly what’s keeping me going thru all this -I’ve just about lost everything a man can lose that means anything to him -except my lodgings my vehicle -and whatever dignity I have remaining 🙆‍♂️