“Desperation is when you pray someone can do something. Hope is when you wish someone would do something. Desire is when you want someone to do something. Expectation is when you demand someone do something. Tyranny is when you force someone to do something. Monarchy is when you command someone to do something.”

We all have our own unique, individual strengths and weaknesses (a sort of thumbprint of one’s own character or makeup). One of my greater strengths appears to be “Hope” (sp. pr.), while one of my more glaring weaknesses appears to be “expectations”. I have a formula: “Hope + disappointment = pain; which in turn has a tendency to twist Hope into expectation” (heat + pressure… going from wishing somebody would do something, to wanting someone to do something, to eventually telling someone…). I think a lot of domestic violence can be explained as – many people whose initial “Hopes” were vanquished early in life (repeatedly). Anyways… 🤔

I think it’s time you get to know me a little better. I grew up in the Southern California area area of San Fernando Valley. I moved there with my grandmother shortly after my own family had fallen apart. My mother was invited by my grandmother to live with us in the hopes of reuniting mother with son. Among other things, she started drinking and was and was asked to leave. Some months after that my father showed up (just before the Sylmar earthquake of ’71’). He stayed with us for a month or so then moved to the other side of Los Angeles where his bad habits were less visible, and more easily supported. He became a weekend dad.

So, for the next 10 or so years… I can’t verify this for certain as I was young and otherwise distracted. But the pattern seemed to be this – It was almost certain he would show up on a Friday or Saturday between paydays, hit my grandmother up for money, take me with him. It was always 50 here a 100 there… “I’ll pay you next payday Ma”. Some weekends, probably the ones where he got paid – he wouldn’t come. Occasionally, he would call to let us know he was on the way and wouldn’t show up at all. Now to the point of the title – For 10 years I would wait out in the front of our apartment after an hour or so of stting inside watching TV. It always took him longer to arrive than what I estimated or expected (there’s that word expectation). He generally arrived 1 1/2 to 2 hours after calling. Maybe it was the traffic who knows. When a person is dysfunctional and selfish, it’s hard to determine anymore what the reasons are for this or that (the mind and the ❤ start to play games with you). I think my brother and I were very different in this regard. My brother recognized very early on what my father was like and and I don’t think he at some point continued to toil like I did. A different kind of child would have probably gotten on his bike after about an hour and just went out and did what he loved – but not me.

This sort of thing carried over into my intimate relationships with women. Quite often I was kept waiting on nights we had planned a date or some other event (some times they wouldn’t show up at all). Days when we had a falling out, same-old same-old… showing up late or forgetting my Birthday… we would have a fight, I would leave hoping (there’s that word again) to get a call or a knock at the door that never came. Psychiatrist and Psychologist say that people have a tendency to carry with them patterns from their childhood. One of mine seems to have been and continues to be – Not being of much value, nor worth respecting. This was obviously the case with my grandmother who valued me dearly but had little respect (my issues likely contributed greatly – If only it had meant more to me to gain my grandmother’s love 😪). And with regard to my father, there was clearly more devaluation than disrespect.

I’ll just end by saying this – I met the woman I thought was the one I would spend the rest of my life with back in 2008. As the old saying goes “If it starts out bad – it probably won’t end good”. She was married at the time and so was I. Long-story-short, through a series of very unfortunate events and extremely painful circumstances – I stopped sleeping with her 10 or 11 years ago. You see what happened to me is the thing that happens to almost all professional boxers – I became civilized. During my marriage, and then carrying over to this relationship, I was no longer able to have sex with a woman who hurt me emotionally – interestingly, by this time I had began to refrain from lashing out, as I had done in previous relationships… Change may have come slow to me – but it came nonetheless. So, in these 10 or 11 years I have still been unable to let go – hoping… albeit not much praying 😒! For the past 5 years she has been remarried to her 1st and only husband. During this time I have probably been better to her than I ever have – and my Love for her has not vanquished one iota – (BTW my personal definition of Love – it never dies and, it’s always more about the other person than about you. And that’s how I know my Love for Ana is real).

One final note: Hope may be a good thing, but it can also be a very painful thing – just ask… JESUS? Anyways, I’m very appreciative to those of you patient enough, and kind enough to wade thru this post 🤔 I hope there is something in it that may inspire you to something better in your own struggles – if nothing else, our own personal struggles CAN ALWAYS BE HELPFUL TO OTHERS – just knowing theres is not an isolated incident sometimes…☺

•Title credited to Stephen King from the movie “The Shawshank Redemption” – and of course Andy Dufresne.