Something someone said in a meeting yesterday reminded me… I believe my spiritual 🙏 condition is the most powerful part in me! When I am around animals, their reaction to me when in proximity -tells me… do they run, do they stay, how far before they run, do some stay, do they respond to my attempts to interact…?

How do you/we know… (forgot rest?) (dream?) (still in the oven?)

How do you/we know what we’re looking at… 🤷🏻‍♂️

There’s two types of mistakes or errors we humans have the capacity to make:

1. Malicious

2. Non-malicious

Now then 🤔, I believe first of all:

1. If they are repeated respectively; God has enormous patience for the latter; and far less for the former.

2. I believe, that for a very, very long time in recovery I was guilty of the latter (borderline in some cases). At a certain stage in my recovery, immorality became a regular part of my life (after my father died -it lasted 4 years); In the next phase, lying and deceiving -another (it lasted 7 years). Somehow, I didn’t drink. Somehow, God’s Grace continued to keep me sober. During those early years… I suppose it’s OK to open-up about it -During those 4 years, following the death of my father; trips to whore-houses mostly, bars… then I would go to* my Sponsor and tell on my self. I only saw him get aggravated at me one time when, I suppose after another debacle, he said “Richard, you must really like pain” 😔. Well, I had been criticized, and humiliated most of my life -I suppose, given my failings to that point in recovery (I had for the first time in my life genuine hopes and dreams in recovery** -I could have been a contender) -I decided to act upon, or revert in a literal sense, to that which I had been told, had experienced “all” of my life (all is no exaggeration). Interestingly, the more I fell into this stupor, the further and further down the ladder of human indignity (I can’t think of a better word -sorry) I fell -people who in their own right were pathetic by any standard -wanted nothing to do with me 🤷🏻‍♂️. Anyways, I would go to my AA sponsor and tell on myself -then go to the Public health office for STD/HIV-tests (30 or more trips/tests in 4 years -nerve-wracking to say the least). On another occasion 🤔, my Sponsor quipped, “Richard, you lead a charmed life”. He, and I, couldn’t believe that test after test came back negative (Incidentally, when I first came into AA/NA, part of my welcoming into sobriety was a 2-3 months wait to get an HIV test followed by another couple of weeks for the results 🤷🏻‍♂️). A nurse at the Public Health Office once commented, “Most of the people who come in for an HIV-test don’t come back for the results -I went back 30+ times -4+ years of living hell! Well (hands on hip), needless to say, or I guess I should say… this phase eventually came to an end, sorta (one thing I learned -ALCOHOLICS CAN KILL THEMSELVES IN OTHER WAYS BESIDES ALCOHOL). Four years in the bars and whorehouses of a neighboring third-world country and By-God’s-Grace:

•I stayed sober

•I didn’t really contract any STD’s (INCREDIBLY)

Therefore, in both stints, the 4 and 7 years… I DO NOT BELIEVE MY INTENTIONS WERE MALICIOUS IN NATURE -HAD THEY BEEN… I DO NOT BELIEVE I WOULD HAVE FAIRED SO WELL -WOULD HAVE SURVIVED THEM NOR REMAINED SOBER! THANK YOU GOD FOR REMAINING PATIENT -FOR CONTINUING YOUR GRACE WHEN I REPEATEDLY TEMPTED FATE 🙏😪

*Where we have a tendency to run away, some people have a tendency to run towards… they run smack-dab into strife, challenge, pressure, discomfort, awkwardness -yes, some people are just that way 🤷🏻‍♂️

**At some point in my education I found myself unsure of the direction I wanted to follow career-wise. On one particular occasion, while visiting my aunt and uncle, I stated I wanted to travel, make good money -do something I really loved (architecture, translator for the U.N. we’re among those things I was considering). I told my aunt of these dreams and her response was “Don’t we all” want the perfect job/life). This happened right around the time my dad past away, or perhaps a year or two before. Anyways, I was reliant on others where perhaps I couldn’t or couldn’t have been and -i began to sense life, recovery was not all it was cracked up to be. I was looking for support, guidance, and didn’t feel I was getting it. My father, nor my grandmother had never been much help in this department (my father never seemed to interested in me as his son -let alone in assisting me in becoming a new and improved version of himself (to succeed where he had failed)). Grandma and Grandpa Hurd on the other hand, were all about higher-education (they just weren’t gonna do the work for me) ugh! They put themselves thru college during “The Great-Depression”. They weren’t interested in any sob-story. Well, I guess I just didn’t have the wear-with-all to succeed because after my dad past away, things went off-road for the next 20+ years or so 😏. I just want to say a special thank you Lord for standing by me 🙏.

And thank you to all of you out there who patiently waded through this post 😊