To fail is one thing -to fail as a human being is another! Or is it all wrapped in one! Some say that a person who has wonderful relationships with people has accomplished the most human(e) of all things.*

*As a member of Alcoholics Anonymous I have stated on new military occasions The pinnacle of health humanly and spiritually spiritually is the quality of one’s relationships with others -the greatest indication of of mental, emotional, spiritual illness illness is poor relationships. While the greatest indication of these it is lasting and wonderful relationships.**

**People often confuse (I need a moment 😪) high level functioning with with psychological, emotional, spiritual health. Oftentimes our level of function justifies (masks… There it is again, winning and success solve a lot of problems -but really don’t) our poor psychological, emotional, spiritual health. Last night I got very angry at Ana -said some things I once again regret 🤷‍♂️. We are who we are at any given moment -She deals with her fear by poking and I deal with mine by retaliating***

*** It has been my life long endeavor in many ways to undo what I… to unlearn what I have learned -In the place I want to arrive at is where this whole post started; By having the best possible relationships with the human beings around me. We’re all I may or may not have accomplished in my lifetime, this the final frontier, this the epitome you of… HAS CONTINUALLY EVADED ME -AND FOR THIS REASON I CONTINOUSLY EXPERIENCE A SADNESS For which many turn turn to suicide, self destruction, develop numerous neurosis – Of which I have spent most of my 31 and a 1/2 years sober trying to undo. It is a Testament not to me, but to this program and to God that I have made it this far -and faired this far. In spite of all this I believe I have slowly been getting better through the years. I believe myself to be one of those people who:

•Was never intended to make it as far

•Was never intended to be around people -Hence my walking through life feeling largely unnoticed by others (a 👻 if you will)

•I see why people like myself never find continuous sobriety: experience continued feeling of unrest; have a propensity towards self destruction -It’s a terrible feeling to feel as though you don’t fit in -but worse yet, feeling you don’t matter to anyone.

•I’ve been saying this for a long time, I don’t blame people who end up where I end up -finding this long, arguous, at times seemingly perilous journey -all-for-not. I guess without a purpose to boot.. I have one! Maybe this is what keeps me going! It is to finish what I was elected to do roughly 30 years ago -to write and to complete this sight! 👍