I’ll give everything I own if you do

How often do you think we human beings get it right-I mean really right?

Some people pray for death while others pray they never see that day. The only regret I have these past 5 or 6 years thinking about being relieved of the burden of this life is knowing how much Ana would hurt with me being gone. I cannot think of anyone else on this planet who would truly miss my absence -because I’m not really apart of anyone else’s lives. Some I have reached out to repeatedly-but ita just no good. Bonds were broken very early, lines drawn in the sand many years ago… between my family and theirs…”

“Ana and I have discussed many times… 🤔 how family members who were never a part of our lives, family members who never made an effort to reach out, or worse yet to reciprocate… We weren’t too interested in them crying over our dead bodies sindead bodies since they seemed to never cry over our live ones.

• Title dedicated to the late, great Glenn Frey and his song by the same name! Written by Glenn fry and Jack Tempchin (1982).

There are crucial times in our relationships where we have to decide to undergo the pain comes even the (seeming) humiliation of standing by the people we love -or not.

Ana was dealing with a lot of anger and fear during the early part of our relationships -eventually I broke and became angry and resentful myself. I still remember the day we have a big fight bite and I asked her to leave leave, basically threw her out of my apartment after months of…) That was the day she went home to her apartment -and stopped didn’t call me back 5 minutes later to kiss and make up* as she had always done every time before for the two years we had known each other 😭 I don’t think things were ever quite the same (for her) after that. But my feelings have only gotten stronger -and more mature thru it all.

Anyways, back to the original theme of this post: Then there was the time that we agreed to split the holidays; Half the day we would spend with her family and have the day with me and mine. After the incident with her son it became a matter of her spending half the day with her family and ther family and the other half with me because I was no longer allowed to be a part of that family. The repercussions of the day I chose to go to her apartment and confront her senter son still echoes as a wound in my heart. As it turns out she was unable to do so -spending the entire day with her family and visiting me for an hour or so and then back to her family. I had never been able to establish the kind of relationship with my extended family I had hoped to in in sobriety so what was 2 or 3 hours at My Aunt and Uncle’s with the rest of the family, possibly a meeting, then waiting for the love of my life… 2 p.m. then 3 p.m. then 4 p.m. then 6 p.m. then 7… and finally I would get a call -sometimes she would bring the plate whether she had promised and sometimes (this Is one area where we differed as I always brought her a plate from my family’s -I never considered anything too much of a burden, or inconvenience to my self or my family -for her.) Oftentimes Ana did not want to burden her family, or perhaps she was simply too embarrassed. 😒 You see, her family at some point had decided they didn’t like me -although they were never quite able to produce a good reason.

Well I got upset and started spending my holidays back in Wheeling, West Virginia with my friend, and part-time lover -Lenelle. To wrap things up I could have made another kind of decision in the face of all this -and things may have turned out differently at some point. It took a lot of courage for honor to leave a life she had spent 30 years building with her husband and children for me – 30 years I had spent of my own life playing the role of a wanderer or a nomad. I’m not proud of it but, I had been with a number of married women that I thought I was attracted to and loved. Not one of them was ever willing to leave their family for me -only Ana. If only I had ridden things out 🤷‍♂️😔 I DON’T I EVER GAVE HER ENUFF CREDIT FOR THAT -even if I had done everything completely different perhaps it would not have compared to what she did -and worst of all… I didn’t everything completely different. I did it with regard only for how she treated me!

Sooooo… WE MAKE CHOICES AND WE LIVE WITH THEM. Sooooo… Lawyers are not the only ones who…

• “You guys… you guys are all the same! The doctors at the hospital, you… it’s always what I’m going to do for you. And then you screw up, and it’s, “Ah, we did the best that we could, I’m dreadfully sorry”. And people like us live with your mistakes the rest of our lives.“
  JAMES HANDY – Kevin Doneghy [from Moviequotes.com]***
• Final thought 🤔 As much as I am tempted to buy into the old adage “everything worked out for the best”… I guess I’m just not that much of an optimist!****

*Ana and I had always had a remarkable ability to “let-by-gones-be-by-gones”. It is perhaps why our ever-changing… 🤷‍♂️ (can’t bring myself to call us just friends**) has endured for so long.

**I’m guilty of breaking my own rule: A lot of people take issue with being “just friends”. Little do they know that friendship is the best part of any relationship including an intimate one. Little do they know that friendship is the best part of any relationship including an intimate one. Which begs the question “Which is better, intimacy without friendship or friendship without intimacy?” I think you know the answer a lot of people would agree on. But I think you also know most people’s relationships, hard as they may try (in some cases)…

***Excerpt from the movie “The Verdict” starring Paul Newman Jack Ward and Charlotte Rampling (1982). Directed by Sidney Lumet.

****But I will say this, whatever is best for Ana’s well-being and happiness is what’s best for me! And that I have found to be “The Spirit of True-Love”!

On a side note: Speaking as a man, there’s nothing worse than accusing a good woman, and woman, an honest woman, a respectable woman, of infidelity! There’s few things worse than to accuse a person of deep deep integrity of being otherwise. 😔

Some people need to continually be reminded that you love them! Some people, when not together with their partner, very quickly seem to forget the love that exists between you.

Someone once insinuated I was prejudice or anti-gay because I mentioned I felt uncomfortable seeing two men walking down the street holding hands. I told her that as a Christian I must respect all peoples. So, this thing about rights for gays 🤔 “Treat them with equal respect and consideration as Children of God and not as gays”. And as far as acceptance of openly gay… if I had to choose between the mindset of people in this country 100 years ago and based upon their record of accomplishments vs the people of today -I WOULD EMPHATICALLY CHOOSE THE PEOPLE OF 100 YEARS AGO -as adoY once said, “Better to be a little too closed than a little too open” (in certain instances)*.

*my personal experience with gay men as “a survivor”… let’s just say I reserve my right to my own feelings based solely upon personal experience(s).

if only 🤔 if only more people’s strength (a willingness*) lie in “FAITH” as opposed to (a willfulness*) “personal interest” then much of the -> “techniques of mass media, propaganda, the big lie, spectacle, the arts, patriotism, and government-organized demonstrations and rallies to create an idealized, heroic, image of a leader, often through unquestioning flattery and praise. A cult of personality is similar to apotheosis, except that it is established by modern social engineering techniques, usually by the state or the party in one-party states and dominant-party states. It is often seen in totalitarian or authoritarian countries”<- [Source: https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cult_of_personality]

*Willingness is an individual’s response to a situation in which they do what is required or will be effective in finding a solution. It is recognizing the reality of a situation and choosing to be an effective problem solver. Essentially, it is an individual’s ability to go with the flow, the radical acceptance of a situation, and choosing to participate in the solution.

The definition of willfulness has been described in many different ways by a variety of mental health professionals. It is most commonly described as the deliberate choice not to take action when action is needed. When an individual puts their own desire to be right above the desire to grow. It is the opposite of doing what will work in a situation and, instead, sitting on your hands.

One of the most common examples of willfulness is when you get into an argument with an individual and refuse to see their point of view. Alternatively, you could show willingness.[Source:https://www.myclientsplus.com/blog/willingness-vs-willfulness-in-dialectical-behavior-therapy-dbt/]

•Title brings to mind several… but for today let it be a dedication to the premature death of singer and songwriter George Michael and his song “Faith“, a song written and performed by George Michael, from his 1987 debut solo album of the same name. [Source:https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Faith_(George_Michael_song)]

Certain cultures within our community have a more defiant nature to them than others -couple that with the defiant nature of the Alcoholic, and you have the troubles I am currently dealing with in response to my shares in meetings.

•Title reminiscent of 80s synth-pop group “Living Colour” and their song “Cult of Personality” (1987-88).

Many people don’t know the problem from the symptom.They try to solve the issue -which is like periodically filling your engine with oil rather than fixing the leak 🤷‍♂️

Many people who come from a dysfunctional background, or who have had a traumatic experience early on, may attempt to address the issue thru various avenues. As is similar to the entry above -whereby people get the symptom and the problem confused, people also have a tendency to get (their) nature confused with nurture (issues). As difficult as it may be to resolve “nurtured issues”, in certain instances atleast, it’s probably more difficult to change one’s own nature!

Most days my teams win and lose -on rare days, they all win or all lose 🤔

I stumbled across this twenty-some years ago. With regard to a major sporting event (in most cases -Grand-Slam tennis, NBA Finals, Superbowl…), bet against your team* (but not more than you would be willing to pay to guarantee a win)! If they win -YEEHAW! If they lose -PAYDAY!

*Longshot odds are even better! 😘

This is an example of “emotional investment vs. monetary investment”** 🤷‍♂️

**for example, 1 vs the other. A comparison rather! What’s the point of owning everything in the world if one lacks the ability to truly appreciate them?

“Happiness may be a choice, but first it must be an ability!” And so too is it the case with things like “appreciation”.

I had often wondered… Some people manage to stay sober in church, some not -now then, the same is true in AA 🤔 MOST ALCOHOLICS ARE NOT OPEN (ENOUGH) IN CHURCH (BESIDES, AA IS AN ALL-ENCOMPASSING APPROACH TO LIQUOR ADDICTION THAT’S HARD TO BEAT). HOWEVER, WE HAVE PEOPLE IN AA WHO ALSO FAIL TO STAY SOBER -PEOPLE WHO, IN SPITE OF THE FACT THAT AA HAS SOUGHT TO MAKE IT POSSIBLE TO SOBER UP AS MANY ALCOHOLICS AS POSSIBLE WITHOUT WATERING DOWN THE MESSAGE -NO EASY TASK TO BE SURE! THIS IS INDEED A TESTIMONY TO AA’S LOVE FOR EVERY ALCOHOLIC.*

*How many things in life were you ever closed to and successful @ the same time?

H.O.W. Honest, Open minded, Willing

H.E.W. Hope, Encouage, Welcome

4 things humanity consists of and in equal proportions*;

•Benign

•Malicious

•Indifferent

•Ignorant

*The majority of the writings on this site are from 20-30 years back (I guess it’s true that most geniuses do their work by the time they’re 37 or so @ best) ->One only need look @ my attitude, and conduct @ times (on phone with bank -certain types of agents/reps), to know these writings were not bore from me. 🤷‍♂️